God Is.

There is a God.  Not only does he exist, but there’s only one of him, and he is the creator, sustainer, comforter and savior of humankind.  How do I know this?  Do I think I know everything?  Absolutely not.  It’s because I realize I know less and less that I know God to be true and real. 

The more I see of the world, nature, and people, the more I see it all as intelligent design.  It came from somewhere, from a place of deep creativity and innovation, a place of fantasy and divine knowledge.  It could only have come from God.  This belief was solidified the day I first saw the Grand Canyon.  This largest crater in the earth was carved by a river into a bed of rock over who knows how long, uncovering a rainbow of colors and a landscape of unbelievable drama.  Only a divine being could conceive of a landscape that would unveil itself over time, becoming more beautiful the more empty it got.  I am finding that same beauty in myself.  The more layers are peeled away, the more stunning the image becomes.

Along with my belief that God created me goes my resistance to the evolution theory.  If I believe I came from apes, which came from water-dwellers, which came from bacteria, then that means I believe God created one organism only.  When I see the variety and color and intricacy of nature, animals, and man, I believe that what was created, was created out of enjoyment, not by random chance.  God is creative, therefore he creates.  From the beginning, there was a food chain.  From the beginning, Earth was designed to be self-sustaining.  It is a very clear picture to me of the spiritual workings between God’s heart and his creation’s.  The Circle of Life, and all that.

Obviously I believe that individual groups and species have evolved and adapted over time.  Just as we have discovered the gifts of gravity, a round earth, and electricity, all Creation has discovered its potential and evolved to accommodate it.  This is part of that whole Grand Canyon unveiling I mentioned.

So it’s clear to me that there is a God, and that I and all else were created by him.  What has become patently obvious as a result of that discovery is that he is actually interested and involved in the everyday workings of all he created.  He cares.  I struggled with this for many years as the conundrum of “Why do bad things happen to good people?” fought its way to the surface.  In church, almost regardless of faith, we are taught that God cares about us, has plans for us, wants us to involve him and communicate with him.  What evil and corruption and hatred I saw in the world contradicted this, because what caring God would allow the beings he designed so beautifully to malfunction in this way?  The balance I have resolved myself to comes down to choices.  Because we were created with free will, we have the ability to choose our own path and make our own decisions.  Because God did not force any form of subservience on us or hardwire us to hail to him, we are completely free to deviate from his natural and harmonious plan. (This plan heretofore will be known as “God’s Will,” or “The Will”)

For whatever reason, perhaps simply because we can, we often choose to go against the Will.  Our will against his.  The will is the action portion of the spirit, so our choices are directly indicative of the state of our spirits.  Since the first deviation, from almost the minute man walked the earth, we have become prone to wander.  This is usually taught as the “Sin Nature.”  I don’t quite agree with this.  It’s not like I am going to sin, or deviate, and there’s no help for it.  I have a free will, remember?  What is referred to as sin nature is simply a result of nature vs. nurture.

I believe that all human beings have the desire to do good.  Not only because it brings good results, but because it pleases others, and feels good.  In fact, we often feel guilty when we don’t do good, because we know deep down that in the end the results are better when good is done.  But because society deviates, and our parents deviated, and it sometimes looks easier or we think we can get away with it, or maybe as a result of someone else’s actions (i.e., revenge), we choose to do evil.  Sin.  That’s what they call it in church.  (I don’t like the word “sin” because I hear it in my head in Charlton Heston’s voice.)  Whatever you call it, it’s a conscious decision to go against the Will.  You have a choice to make where you can foresee possible outcomes.  If you choose to bring about good, then it’s a good decision. If you choose to bring about evil (even if the evil isn’t done to you), it’s a bad decision.  Generally these two states could be referred to as “spirit” and “flesh,” as good choices are generated in our spirits, from the part of us connected to God and his creation, and bad decisions are selfish, from our flesh.

So because people can and will make bad choices, bad things happen.  If God prevented bad things from happening when someone chooses to be selfish, or to kill, or to drink too much, we would never learn anything. The fact that an innocent person can be hurt by these actions is what we have to consider when we make choices.  And what about natural disasters which kill thousands, millions?  I couldn’t answer that.  Accidents happen.  Earth sustains itself.  Life is powerful and can be self-destructive.  I can’t come up with a reason that explains why God doesn’t step in and prevent volcanoes from covering towns, why he didn’t prevent some of my friends from losing homes in Hurricane Katrina.  That’s a question I have yet to be answered.  But most bad things that happen, happen because of bad choices. 

So what’s the deal with God’s Will?  Whoever said that was the right way to go and that we all had to stick with it or be “out of line.”  Well, it’s God’s Will, and as the only Diving Being I believe him to be, he pretty much knows everything, so I’m guessing that his way is probably best.  He can see the whole picture, because he painted it.  He created all of us and knows how we work, so he knows what kinds of trouble we can get into and gives us ways to avoid that trouble.

The thing I’ve discovered about God’s Will is that not only does it bring about maximum good, it just plain makes sense.  It’s very practical.  And, without ever changing its intentions or purpose, it has become richer, deeper, more intricate and oddly simpler as we have evolved as a race of people.  What began as numerous and tedious laws which, when followed, brought about salvation and good, changed shape with God’s new system involving a certain son of his.  This new plan is commonly referred to in Christian circles as “The New Covenant,” and I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around it lately, so that’s what I’ll tell you about next.

Faith Remix

I have been working on some written pieces that embody some of the things that I believe, spiritually speaking.  Call them my “statements of faith,” if you must, but that is a little more religious than I intend them to be.  My goal in doing this was to put into words some of the things I’ve been refining in my mind for some time now, taking things I have learned to be true through experience and intuition and pitting them against the things I have been taught but have begun to question.  Where do my beliefs about God and spiritual truth intersect with the choices I make and how I live my everyday life?  How will this affect my future?  Will it alienate me?  How do I choose Christ and a spiritual connection with him and not accept Christianity as a whole?

I’ve been twirling and swirling these ideas around in my head, and the results could be radical.  Choosing what I have come to embrace as my personal spirituality could mean rejecting a lot of what I have accepted as true for most of my life!  It could greatly affect the choices I make- has already affected them!

The wonderful thing is that I feel incredibly free!  I don’t feel a twinge of rebellion or spite.  These new attitudes feel natural and effortless.  I don’t know that my life will look any different, but I think I will.  I might, for instance, smile more, feel guilty less.  Live under less shame, and relax more.

So I’m going to post some of these thoughts in the next few weeks, and I’d like some feedback, if you don’t mind.  I’m lucky to know a lot of people of different backgrounds, so I am confident that I will learn something new about myself through your comments.

That last post was a little intense...sorry.  I'm a little intense myself.  Which a lot of people don't know...

I know I come across all laid-back, quiet even.  I've been called "reserved," which I guess is true.  I would call myself guarded.  But what I really hate is when people interpret my laid-backness as lack of passion.  I'm not without feeling, or dry, or anything like that.  It's just that I've been burned a lot of times for expressing myself, especially when I was young, and now I'm just afraid to do it.  So I counteract it with this ridiculous logic and stoicism, to make me look like a normal, well-adjusted person, so guys won't think I'm this crazy psycho (which I'm not).  I'm really just a person with a inch-wide appearance and mile-deep feelings.

So there.

And I'm romantic.  So romantic I tell myself I'm stupid and conjure up more ridiculous balance and logic and practicality.  But what I really mean is that I've been fed a lot of cliched romance, without any truth, and I'm not sure I would recognize true romance if it bit me in the butt.  It's easier to bank on practicality than romance.  But I crave it, and think about it, and wish for it with everything I've got.  The "romance" I've experienced has come from guys who didn't really know me, who cared more about feeling good about themselves than reaching me in a way I understand.  I've been wooed by the idea of romance, but never actually known it.  And the relationships I've had have come from convenience and availability instead of being wooed.  I've taken the easy options instead of waiting for something that I could actually stand on.

Someday it will happen.  At the risk of sounding naive, I know that at some point in my future, I'll meet someone who I don't have to talk myself into, or whom I don't have to prove myself to.  At some point, some man will really see me, instead of taking me at face value.  I'm a genuine person, but there is a lot more to me than people initially perceive.  And I know that eventually I will find someone who will find adventure in venturing into my many layers.

Anyway, so I guess I'm tired of being misunderstood, and will from now on try to be a more accurate representation of who I actually am. 

That's a pretty good resolution for someone who has completed one quarter of life without feeling there is anyone on the planet who actually gets them.

Again, sorry for the drama, but maybe that's truer than any balanced and fair argument I could come up with.

Love is Pain.

So what do you do when you really like someone...I mean REALLY like them, being with them, being next to them, thinking about them, admire them, want to protect them...but they feel nothing in return except friendship?  And then complicate that situation with the fact that this person is practically the only person you spend time with, which is wonderful and painful at the same time.  And all you want to do is love them and take care of them and have them love you in return, but the only people they are interested in are complete idiots with no sense who treat them badly.  And they see all the good in you, know you would have a good relationship, but they are so obsessed with being "in love" that they can't understand a relationship with someone they don't want to run in front of a bus for.  Would you agree that sometimes you don't have love and infatuation at the same time, that it rarely happens?  And even more rarely at the same time?  And that those feelings rarely last past the first year?  Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is honest with you, whom you can trust with everything, who knows you and with whom you have loads of things in common, who you have physical chemistry with, but who doesn't occupy every second of thought in your day?  I think I would. 

I'm not saying I want him to be with me and not be in love with me.  I want him to fall over himself for me.  I feel some pretty irrational things for him that he doesn't feel he deserves, and I wish he thought we should be together, too.  The worst part is watching him run around looking for that crazy love, watching him get more and more hurt.  I want to keep him from being hurt, to keep all the bad things away, and make it better, but I can't really do anything about it.  I don't want to fix him, in fact I would take him as he is, issues and all, and would just live with it if I could have him, if I could belong to him.

After all, isn't that what we all want?  For someone to claim us in our entirety, to belong to someone so completely that there is no room for anyone else in our affections?  I think it is an extension of our affair with God.  It is an outpouring, an overflow, that is a physical representation of that relationship, and it should be just as consuming.

So if that's the way it should be, why is it so freaking hard to find someone whom you fall for that will eagerly love you back?  Beats me.  It happens again and again with me.  I am incapable of not telling someone how I feel about them.  I want them to know.  It feels like a lie to not say so, even if rejection is inevitable, which I knew this time it would be.  I told him, and he had nothing to give me.  And hoping that he'll wake up and really see me seems futile.  I don't really think he ever will, but the hope is still there, welling painfully, bringing tears and aches that go soul-deep.

Is this the longing that God has for me and my affections?  Is he jealous like I am at the mere mention of competition?  Does he weep when I continue to run away and come crawling back?  If so, I am ashamed of the pain I cause him.  As I want my love to be returned and my presence desired, God wants me to return his love and desire his presence at all times.

Love hurts, dammit.

Currently Listening Girls and Boys By Ingrid Michaelson see related

26 Lessons I Have Learned From 26 Years of Mistakes:

a little advice from someone who has been through a lot of crap and is kind enough to share her experience with you at her own peril and risk, at no cost to you.

1.      You absolutely must not base your value on how other people feel about you.

2.      You can’t trust what people write, imply, or say.  You can only trust what they DO.  They can act or pretend for a short time, but in the end, actions are the true test of a person’s character.  This also applies to you and me.

2b. You are what you do.  Your identity isn’t found in your friends or family or what you wish you were.  If what you do on a daily basis doesn’t accurately represent you, think long and hard about who you are, and start doing what you are.  (See #11.)

3.      Your dreams will never come true without some sort of initiative on your part.  Always have a plan in motion for reaching one of them.  Do not sit on your ass and wait for the world to give you what you want.

4.      Everything will be better if you eat right, drink a lot of water and get enough sleep.  There isn’t anything some fresh air and sunshine can’t cure.  You should also take vitamins, wear sunscreen, and exercise.

5.      No one knows what is best for you except you.  God has given you all the tools you need to make good decisions.  Use them, and stop relying on other people to make up your mind for you.

6.      Leave when the party is still good.  Do not wait until you get bored.  Read as much into that as you deem necessary.

7.      No one will ever love you as much as your dog.

8.      Dating and friendships should be really fun.  If you aren’t having fun, quit.  Find something else to do that is fun.  You can meet really great people that way.

9.      Time is not disposable.  When it passes, you never get it back.  Every day is an opportunity, so get up early and stop wasting time.

10.  You can’t force love.  It can be a challenge at times to love someone unconditionally, but Love should be easy, like breathing or falling asleep.  Being in love is like belief in God – you do it because you choose to, but also because you just can’t help it. 

11.  The only person you can be is yourself.  You will never succeed in life if you are trying to be a better version of someone else.  On the upside, no one else can be you, and they will fail if they try.

12.  Stop worrying about what everyone thinks about you.  They aren’t thinking about you.  They’re all thinking about themselves, just like you are.

13.  If you feel something for someone, you should tell them, even if they don’t feel that way back.  You’ll feel better and they will probably be flattered.  They might even be thrilled.  If you’re too afraid to say it, write it in a letter.  People don’t write enough letters these days.

13b.  Don’t sit around pining for the one you love, waiting for them to call.  If you are too afraid to tell them how you feel, it is possible that your feelings aren’t as real as they seem.  Real love is something you step up to the plate for.

14.  Don’t lie to people.

15.  Don’t flirt with people you aren’t interested in, or kiss them.  It’s like lying.  From the best song of 1999:  “Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.” – Baz Luhrmann

16.  Your family is irreplaceable.  You don’t get a second chance to love them, or tell them you love them.  You can’t invest enough time in them, open your heart wide enough to them, or give them too many chances.  If you are going to wear yourself out for anybody, they should be it.

17.  Find friends who support you.  If you have to impress them, they aren’t good friends.

18.  The idea that there is someone out there who will complete you is a dangerous one.  We are not made to complete each other.  God completes us.  Earthly love is only a blurry picture of the love God has for us.  We learn about His love by learning to love each other.  As we are flawed creatures, our love will be flawed.  Being in love is a real thing, but sometimes we put too much pressure on romantic love, like it is the ultimate fulfillment, when actually that is what God does.  See next item.

19.  True Love exists.  Anyone who doesn’t believe in love is a fool.  God is love and He wants us to love each other.  But the point of love isn’t to make us happy;  The point is to make the other person happy and do what’s best for them.  When two people are focused on wanting and doing the best for each other, romance happens.  That’s True Love.  And it just so happens that that makes us happy.  And that makes God happy.

20.  Travel.  You ought to see and experience as much of the world as possible.  Just like you can’t know the full greatness of an artist by looking at one painting, you can’t know how great God is by seeing just one fraction of what He created.  Travel, even if you don’t like flying.  You will be surprised what you will learn.

21.  It is nearly impossible for men and women to be just friends, because the possibility of involvement or sex will always be there, even if you aren’t necessarily attracted.  Women always get involved, and men always think about sex.  It’s a natural pairing instinct that you can do nothing about.  It also creates a lot of jealousy.

22.  Change is inevitable.  As soon as you get comfortable, something will come along to shake you out of it.  I think God wants it that way.  We would never learn anything without change.

23.  The world does not revolve around me.  Everything God created was created for His pleasure alone.  Turns out, when I got on board with the idea, I started enjoying life a whole lot more.

24.  The only thing that separates us from apes is our intellect and our ability to love and be loved.  If we are not using both, we’re just good-looking monkeys.  Most of us, anyway.

25.  Face your fears.  Fear cripples a person.  Learn to look fear in the face.  Maybe you’ll never get over it, but it won’t own you.

26.  God likes you, and he wants you to like him.  Not just love him, and respect Him, but LIKE Him.  Enjoy his personality, laugh at his jokes.  He thinks you’re good-looking, and funny, and cool and have great taste in music.  Not only is he your creator, your father, and your savior; He’s your friend.  And he’ll never punk out on you to hang out with someone else, or forget your birthday, or fail to call when he says he will.